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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27848294">im falling</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xohoneyfrost/pseuds/xohoneyfrost'>xohoneyfrost</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Waterparks (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Panic Attacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:55:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,173</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27848294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xohoneyfrost/pseuds/xohoneyfrost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>awstens struggling</p><p>of course he wont admit that, though. why would he? to get unwanted sympathy from his friends? he doesn't need that; especially not after what she did to him. fuck her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ciara Hanna/Awsten Knight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>im falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>before you read, this is clearly off the timeline of the actual events in 2017 so I apologize, but this is just a small vent fic so.. yeah. </p><p>i might continue and I might not I dunno</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>awsten sat down quickly after ordering the same drink he'd ordered here every morning for the past year and a half. he felt dead. nothing was real. this wasn't real. she didn't leave. he was gonna wake up and she'd still be there, maybe even nicer than she'd been before. she would smile at him and tell him that he loved him and they'd be okay. he'd he okay. </p><p>his surroundings felt robotic almost, as if he were in a vr game and his internet was going out. this wasnt real. its not real. it's not fucking real.</p><p>a buzz from his back pocket jolted him back into reality, the haze fading out just enough for him to register ottos name lit up on his phone screen. </p><p>"hello?"</p><p>"hey man" his friends voice came through staticky from the bad reception of the cafe. "can you come down to the studio real quick?"</p><p>awsten felt sick. he couldn't face his friends and managers right now. he'd embarrass himself the second he'd step in the door.</p><p>fuck. don't panic. stop shaking. you're fine. stop fucking panicking. </p><p>"awsten?"</p><p>"I'm here" he choked out, voice a little strangled. "I'll be there in twenty" </p><p>he couldn't just not go. he had to do his job. he couldnt disappoint otto. he couldn't show him something was wrong. </p><p>just get up. you're fine. </p><p>awsten pushed himself up, shakily reaching for his drink as the employee set it down on the counter and stumbling out the door. </p><p>just go. grow the fuck up. don't ruin this friendship. </p><p>he made his way to the studio in about 15 minutes, the ice in his abandoned cup of coffee melting due to the heat of the California air. </p><p>"oh awst-" Jawn paused, looking over his exhausted friend. "you look like shit"</p><p>"thanks" awsten replied, his voice short. </p><p>"did you sleep?" he asked, concern evident by his facial expression. </p><p>"no. wheres otto? he needed me for something.." </p><p>"in the back, but wait," Jawn grabbed Awstens arm, causing him to flinch and pull away. "sorry"</p><p>"it's fine." awsten mumbled, anxiety flooding his body. the haze was coming back. great. </p><p>"what happened?" the red head asked, sighing softly as he watched his childhood friend panic in front of him. </p><p>"nothing. im fine, jawn" awsten forced out, sounding way more aggressive than he intended to be.</p><p>he hates you. just run. he's gonna yell. </p><p>"awsten" </p><p>angry. hes angry. </p><p>"im fucking fine jawn" his brain was on autopilot by now. he knew what was gonna happen. jawn was gonna yell and then awsten would have to try even harder to fight off this panic attack and then he'd cry and lose it in front of everybody in the studio. </p><p>"you're clearly fucking not, awsten, just talk to me! why are you acting like this? what the fuck happened?" jawns voice was harsh as he reached for awstens hand again. </p><p>"dont touch me!" awsten stumbled backwards, a hand on his chest as he struggled to get air to his lungs. this isnt good. this is so fucking bad. </p><p>if it wasnt for 𝘩𝘦𝘳 he wouldn't be in this situation. he wouldnt be falling apart in front of his childhood best friend and pushing away everybody he cared about. he wouldnt be on autopilot just barely making it through the days. he wouldn't be such a fucking whiny mess. 𝘴𝘩𝘦 ruined him.</p><p>awsten vaguely registered being moved to the floor, hands placed on his shoulders, and somebody's voice telling him something. </p><p>stop it. </p><p>get your hands away. </p><p>"awsten, c'mon, breathe with me" Otto's voice instructed. he sounded worried to the point where Awsten felt guilty even past the haze of everything surrounding him. </p><p>he did. </p><p>he hated this. why was he such a fucking mess? why did she do that. how did she care so little about him to where she would do that and awsten just wouldnt know until recently? </p><p>silence. </p><p>"can i give you a hug?" geoff asked softly, sounding like a pile of fluffy blankets engulfing the blue haired man. </p><p>awsten nodded softly, eyes fixed on the floor in shame. </p><p>everyones here. they just saw you. you're an embarrassment. </p><p>as soon as geoffs arms wrapped around him, he squeezed his eyes shut and clung to the older man, holding his breath so he wouldn't cry. </p><p>"let's go take a walk, aws" geoff pulled away to see awstens face then gently grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. </p><p>"okay" was awstens response, swaying a bit as geoff let go of his arm. </p><p>"we'll be back soon" geoff announced to the rest of the group, smiling at awsten and leading him outside. </p><p>after 3 minutes of silence, awsten sighed and opened his mouth to speak, getting cut off by geoff. </p><p>"do you wanna talk about it?" </p><p>awsten took in a breath, trying to keep himself calm. "about what?"</p><p>"anything. you've been avoiding me for months now, aws, i barely know you now" geoff spoke, watching his friend carefully for any sign of distress. </p><p>"I've just been busy with work, yknow?" the blue haired man supplied, keeping his eyes down in an attempt to stay in the moment. </p><p>geoff hummed and nodded, knowing that was a lie. "hows ciara?" </p><p>awsten froze in place, his body going cold and mind racing with memories of the week before. he was going to be sick. </p><p>"aws?" geoff gently reached for awstens hand, squeezing it to try and ground him. "come on, its okay."</p><p>awsten felt like he was back in lucas's house waiting to facetime ciara. the feeling of excitement to see her and tell her about the new song he was writing that was quickly replaced with anger and repulse by the sight on that night. </p><p>"breathe, man, you gotta breathe" geoff spoke softly, but loud enough for awsten to hear. </p><p>awsten was snapped out of the memories by geoff's hands on his shoulders, overwhelmed. the motion was enough to break him, a sob forcing itself out and tears cascading down his face. "fuck" he swore, voice cracking. </p><p>geoff carefully pulled awsten into another hug, letting him get the needed vulnerable moment out. awsten was never one to rant to people about his problems, he poured it all out into his lyrics but otherwise was silent about anything he was doing through. this was necessary for him. </p><p>"you're okay, aws.. everything will be okay.." the older man soothed, rubbing awstens back in a circle motion. </p><p>"im sorry" awsten whispered, pulling away and wiping his tears as he tried to stop crying. this was ridiculous. hes in public. in front of geoff. he cant just cry. </p><p>"no no dont be sorry, its healthy" geoff sighed, rubbing awstens arm soothingly. "clearly you need it"</p><p>awsten went quiet, sniffling a bit. "sorry um.. can we go back? i have a couple things to record"</p><p>"yeah of course, let's go" geoff gave awsten a sympathetic smile and started walking back to the studio with him. </p><p>keep your shit together. geoff knows you're weak now. burden.</p>
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